Home » Posts tagged 'hilarious quotes'
“Experts now believe bedwetting is more mental than physical,but as far as I’m concerned, that theory just doesn’t hold water.”- Scott E. Roeben
I’ve developed a new philosophy…I only dread one day at a time.- the character Charlie Brown in Charles Schultz’ Peanuts comic
“My yoga instructor said I need to be more ‘centered.’ I don’t need a class for that. People have said I’m self-centered for years.”- Scott E. Roeben
If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.- Samuel Goldwyn
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!- Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m a little obsessive about grammar. I always thought the band should be called The Whom.”- Scott E. Roeben
Dr. Phil just revealed that he helped perform his own vasectomy 30 years ago. In related news, never make small talk in an elevator with Dr. Phil. – Jimmy Fallon
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.- Rodney Dangerfield
“The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side.” – Hunter S. Thompson
”If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.”- Jimmy Kimmel